This Will Hurt Me More Than It Hurts You

I’m not sure at exactly what point child rearing became against the law, but I get confused.

One hand I wish these people had been so adamant about it when I was growing up.

On the other hand, well, I’m still here. And I’m a stronger man because of it. So leave it alone.

Although I’m not sure about my mom. She kinda created child abuse. Well, maybe not created it but redefined it. In much the same way Michael Jordan redefined Basketball. Steve Jobs redefined electronics. Michael Jackson redefined Music Videos.

My mom is the record holding 15 consecutive winner of the golden belt award. And it doesn’t even exist.

See back then things were more acceptable. Before I go in to the details that may make you cry, scream, or lock your doors to keep Little Big Bad Mama out your home, keep some things in mind:

Neither my sister or myself have ever been arrested. We’ve both always been gainfully employed. My sister is a college graduate. I am a husband and a father and I’m working on my own business. We’re respectful, respected, good people.

So keep that in mind.

My mom is a not a very tall lady in stature but somehow she was ridiculously effective. She’s got ET Fingers. At least that’s how it felt when she would swing them at my face.

Yes, when we got out of line we were popped, whooped, spanked, smacked, etc. We got one warning and if we didn’t shape up, POW! Right upside the…whatever was easily reachable.

We didn’t think much of it. We WERE the original horror story. We lived alone, just the three of us in the house. There was no one there to grab her when she got started.

You clowns can be scared of Jason and Freddy K if you want. My own chainsaw would level their playing field. There was no level field with mom.

My sister and I argued and fought as kids do. I am older so I was the bully. But we always had a “we are the world” mentality against the Lil Big Bad Mama. We would hug each other and cry when the other was getting punished.

We had a toy box in the closet and a defibrillator under the bed, what you know about that?

Yeah, it was that serious.

And there were plenty of times when my sis would have to bring me back to life after I decided to square off with the champ as a teenager.

CLEAR! (KSSHHH)

And people who were never physically abused, er, punished always ask the same stupid question:

“why didn’t you call the Child Abuse Hotline?”

We Did! She shot at em twice!

Nobody messed with my mom. I remember about 10 years ago I got pulled over by the cops in Torrance, Ca for Speeding. The cop, who looked a little older, asked for my license. As I gave it to him, he saw my name and had this look of terror on his face. He asked who my mom was. I told him. He threw my license back in the car and he and his partner retrieved to their cars, with what I could only make out to be a “have a nice day”.

Whoa. That woman was the truth.

She was so hardcore she used to give us that “mama look”. My sis and I would sit in the back seat as kids because we couldn’t agree on who would sit in the front. So when we’d act up she would warn us in the back seat once about getting rowdy.

The second time she would turn her head abruptly toward the back seat.

Then she’d look move her eyes back and forth looking at both of us with a straight face.

We became military soldiers! Whatever we were doing stopped.

But it should be noted that she HAS NOT STOPPED THE CAR! She’s staring us down on the freeway and driving straight without so much as a swerve.

This woman was not human!

Right when she’d start looking at us in the back seat we straightened up real quick. I would look out the window and say a quick prayer:

“Father God in the name of all that is good. You are the only protector we have from the fruits of crazy. Please place your loving hand over us before she places hers. Hers hurts. In Jesus name. Amen”.

And because our mother was such a championship butt kicker, we were proned to believe the nonsense threats that all parents back then used, but we didn’t know. We thought, at the time, she might be crazy enough to do it.

She once told me, “keep talking back to me and I’ma knock all the black off of you”.

You know, no matter how hard I squeezed, threw, pinched my skin, etc….NONE of the black ever went off.

Yeah, it don’t come off mom. But back then I didn’t know that. She could drive straight at 55 mph without looking at the road. Maybe, just maybe, she could knock the color off my skin.

Bill Cosby started another thing parents said. “I brought you in this world, and I’ll take you out. And it won’t make no difference to me because I’ll make another one look just like you.”

Let me see if I got this straight. You’re going to commit murder in the first degree on your child. Then you’re going to make my twin despite the fact that I’m 15 years old?

Mmmm Hmmmm.

And whoever started this one was just retarded.

“Keep talking back to me, and I’ma knock you in the middle of next week.”

Word?

Just once I wanted to be like “go ahead mama”. DO IT! We’re going to Vegas next week anyway. But I really didn’t have the guts. The defibrillator wasn’t completely charged.

OH, THEN!

If it wasn’t retarded threats, there were old school sayings that still made no sense whatsoever.

We would go to the mall for hours at a time and when we got back to the car, my mom would say “oooh, my dogs are barking”.

I beg ya pardon.

I would turn to my sister and say to her “we don’t even have a dog”.

I was thoroughly confused.

Then I thought I figured out what she was saying. I turned to my sister and asked:

“Did she just call us dogs?”

My sister would say, “I don’t know bro, but you better put on your seat belt before she knocks you in the middle of next week. And I don’t have the defibrillator on me”.

“Oh yeah, good point”, I replied putting my seat belt on.

And can somebody please tell me exactly how long a month of Sundays is? I can’t seem to find it anywhere.

Here’s the old school saying I always thought was the dumbest. It always occured after you see a friend of the family or a family member who hadn’t seen you in a while. You had grown a lot by then and they’d hit you with this jewel.

“Boy I ain’t seen you since you were knee high to a grasshopper”.

WHAT?!

Do you know how small a grasshopper is? I ain’t never been knee high to a grasshopper. And how exactly do you know where his knees would be? That’s just dumb.

But I do thank my mom for having the courage to do what most won’t now. The lawmakers don’t want parents raising their kids. It’s bad for business. Bail is money for the government. The more they get, the better the economy is.

No thank you. I’d rather pay taxes on my multi-million dollar business to help the government.

Thanks mom.

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