A Hilarious Letter In My Junk Email

I couldn’t resist sharing this one. Periodically I like to check my junk email folder for hidden jewels. I would encourage you to check it out. NEVER CLICK ANY LINKS! But if you open the regular email and read the content it can be quite hilarious.

I’ve blogged about it before but I had to share this one. Let’s dive in to this gem. I’ll break it down in parts as it was sent to me. Bold is the actual email, non-bold are my thoughts. Here we go:

FROM THE DESK OF THE BANK MANAGER.

CEMAC BANK OF AFRICA.
COTONOU,
BENIN REPUBLIC.
                ATTEN:                 RE:TRANSFER OF $28.5 million(USD) In order to transfer out $28.5 million(USD) from Cemac Bank of Africa, Benin.

I have the courage to ask for your assistance to handle this important and confidential business believing that you will never let me down either now or in future.Because it is highly confidential and secret.

Yeah it takes a lot of courage to send an email blast with no contact info to a bunch of strangers. Speaking of us being strangers, what is your belief that I will never let you down based on? And it’s noted a good three or four times that it’s “confidential”. GOT IT! Let’s continue.

I am Mr.Johnson Smith, a MANAGER in Cemac Bank of Africa, Benin.
Dude, seriously? Johnson Smith? Oh I get it. John Smith would have been too unbelievable and obvious. Quick thinking sir.
There is an account opened in this bank in 1990 and since year 2000 nobody has operated  on this account again. After going through some old files in the records, I discovered that if I do not remit this money out urgently it will be forfeited for nothing or reverted into the selfish  government purse. 

Nobody has ‘operated on’ this account? What, couldn’t find any doctors? So you’re telling me you happen to go through the records and find that it was opened 21 years ago, hasn’t apparently had an operation in 11 years, and after all this time, NOW the money is going to be forfeited? Magically. Today. Well it’s a good thing YOU discovered this incredible secret and I thank you so much for wanting to share it with me. It is my lucky day!

The owner of this account was Late Engr.Hassan Mohammed , a foreigner, and an Engineer with Mohas Engineering Co., and he died since year 2000.No other person knows about this account or any thing concerning it, the account has no other beneficiary and my investigation proved to me as well that his company does not know anything about this account and the amount involved is $28.5 million(USD). 
I had to LOL at this part. You told this stranger in “strict confidence” everything about this account short of the dudes SSN. And if “no other person knows about this account or anything concerning it” (his words) then why is there any danger of the money being “forfeited or reverted into the selfish government purse”?  You’re the only who knows about it so you should be the only one who can forfeit it yourself. Given your laughable level of intellect, I wouldn’t be surprised. Oh, please continue…
I want to transfer the $28.5 million(USD) into a safe foreigner’s account  abroad , but I do not know any foreigner. I am only contacting you as a foreigner because this money can not be approved to a local bank here, but can only be approved to any foreigner with valid  international passport or drivers license and foreign account. This is because the money is in US dollars and the former owner of the account Late Hassan Mohammed,was a foreigner too. 

Ok first, this part clearly sets a record for how many times one can use the word foreigner. But past that, I can’t believe my luck!! Someone is going to actually give me $28.5 million. Why play the lotto? Just check your junk mail! And again, if no one knows about this account why is all this necessary? You don’t think people will think about this stuff?

I know that this message will come to you as a surprise as we do not  know ourselves before,but be sure that it is real and a genuine business as I have put in place the neccesary  logistics that will ensure a hitch free transfer into your account upon your acceptance.I only got your contact address from my secretary who operates computer with believe in God that you will never let me down in this business. 
Oh the hilarity in this section! Let’s start with “we do not know ourselves before”. I don’t know what’s going on in Africa but us foreigners know ourselves very well. And I feel so comforted that this is real and genuine. Good thing you put that in because otherwise I would have thought this was a scam. And the part about the secretary had me hollering. How exactly do you get to the point where you operate a computer with “believe” in God that this stranger will never let you down in the business? Maybe that means she has a Bible on the keyboard as she searches for email address. Where do they come up with this stuff?
You are the only person that I have contacted in this business, so please reply urgently so that I will inform you the next step to take urgently. Send also your private telephone and fax number for urgent communication.

Oh wait you mean this once in a lifetime is just for me. My luck can’t possibly get any better. Well I don’t want to miss out so I’ll get right on that. But first….

I would have liked us to meet face to face but as a bank top civil servant, I am not allowed by law of the land to travel outside the country for now.Kindly assist me so that  you can receive this money in a foreign account or any account of your choice where the fund  will be safe. 
Hey does ‘any account of my choice’ include an account I open at your bank? Because that would kinda defeat the purpose of this right? But since no one but you and I know about this I guess it’s safe. Shhhh. And why exactly can’t a bank employee leave the land by law? That was my original thought. Until….
I will fly to your country for withdrawal and sharing and other investments once you confirm the  money in your account. I am contacting you because of the need to involve a foreigner with foreign account and foreign beneficiary. 

Whoa! Time out! I thought you weren’t allowed to leave the land. How are you going to fly out and meet me? And you wait for that confirmation of the money in my account. For the prediction of when that will happen, I’ll refer you to an expert on predictions.  And there’s that constant use of the word foreigner again.

I need your full co-operation to make this work fine because the management is ready to approve  this payment to any foreigner who has correct information of this account,which I will give to you immediately,if you are able and capable to handle such amount in strict confidence and trust according to my instructions and advice for our mutual benefit because this opportunity you know hardly comes every time.
Wait, I’m confused. Management is ready to approve this payment but you told me that no one else knows about this account. I’m beginning to wonder if I’m really going to get my $28.5 million. And by the way “Johnson”, us foreigners use this piece of punctuation called a period. They usually come in handy when there are a lot of words. But since you’re giving me $28.5 million, I’ll let it slide….
I need truthful person in this business because I do not want to make mistake and your strong assurance and trust are equally needed. 

You could have been done with what you had to tell me about four paragraphs ago. Let’s wrap this up sir. I’m anxious to get my money.

With my position now in the office I can transfer this money to any foreigner’s reliable account, which you can provide with assurance that this money will be intact pending my physical arrival in your country for sharing and I want to remind you that your share has been calculated at 40% of the total sum.
Ironically, the only part of this paragraph that wasn’t previously mentioned is the part that he wants to remind me about. LOL! How is that for irony? Or stupidity.
I want to tell you that this transaction is 100% risk free and legal because all the documents that will back up this transaction will be available, so  that no body will question the fund when it is finaly tranfered into your  account.

It’s so risk free and legal that you have to try to solicit foreigner strangers to do the transfer. I feel safe already. Thank You Sir!

I am waiting for your urgent reply so that I will give you more information about  this transaction through my private email: mrjohnsonsmithproject@hotmail.com  
What could you possibly tell me that you haven’t already spilled in this bloated email? Well it doesn’t matter. Excuse me while I go claim my fortune.
Regards and God bless.
Mr.Johnson Smith
See, I told you. There is hidden comedy in your junk folder. Remember NEVER CLICK ANY LINKS. But read the content. You will laugh. I guarantee.
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