The English language is quite naturally a confusing thing.
Just say the word ‘There’ out loud.
Then say ‘Their’.
Now say ‘They’re.
I might be better off speaking spanish.
But the regular English language ain’t got nuthin’ on slang.
NOTE: This is hilarious! You can’t see it by the time this page goes live, but when I put aint (without the apostrophe), I get the red error squiggly line under it. When I change it to ain’t, no line. The point of the apostrophe is to bring two words together. Tell me what two words that apostrophe is bringing together in the word ain’t. Spell check on WordPress just illustrated my point. smh
Anyway, slang makes things more confusing. It’s strictly made up – although in all fairness, I’m sure all languages are – but unlike other languages, it changes regularly.
Some other words are just mispronounced or just spelled different, but not necessarily wrong.
Keeping all of this in mind, these are words/phrases that I think we need to have a ceremony for to put to rest:
This is a slang term that is basically thrown out at someone who has an opinion that differs from yours. And it doesn’t even have to be about them. But that’s not my problem with it. My problem is that it is entirely overused at this point. Everyone has been called this word about something. Probably even in other places like Africa or Brazil or something. Let’s let the term Hater RIP.
I abso-positive-olutely hate this word with a passion. I don’t know why. I just do. This is how a lot of people say Ask. I don’t know why it’s so hard to say since pretty much all of those same people have no problem saying the word ass. That’s all it is, is a donkey with a K on the end. If the word was spelled ass-k, would it be easier to say? Is it a psychological thing? I think there needs to be an investigation. Meanwhile, I would personally like to put a bullet through this word.
HOW ARE YOU TODAY?
I know, I know. This sounds like I’m just an evil jerk of epic proportions. But be honest. No one really gives a crap. Think about it. When have you ever been asked this question by someone who is actually interested? Especially this version of the question that has the word ‘today’ at the end of it. Generally it’s asked by strangers if you work with the public, are in the coffee line, or you may be asked this if you are on the phone with a customer service rep who is waiting on the cpu to pull up your account.
If you don’t believe me that no one really cares, next time you’re asked this question just make up something ridiculous and embarrassing. If you’re a guy tell them you’re doing well considering that you have an unsightly rash on your balls and are doing an awful lot of scratching. Under the table. Right now.
If you’re a woman tell them you’re on your rag, it’s the worst day of bleeding ever, and you ran outta tampons.
Watch their face or examine the length of the awkward pause if you’re on the phone. Then say “hey, you aksed”. Er, asked.
THAT’S YOUR OPINION
Generally people say this when you’re involved in an argument with them and you disagree with something in particular. Or when they don’t have a comeback. But what’s the point in stating the obvious? When I said it to you I think it’s pretty obvious it’s my opinion. You know why it’s obvious? Because I didn’t use air quotes when I said it. Oh speaking of which….
Ok I won’t lie. I’ve been using this one for years. Generally it’s in sarcasm. But I’m sure there are updated versions of sarcasm sign language that are funnier. This is the one with the first two fingers on each hand pushed down twice at the same time to make quotation marks in the air. Don’t know who thought of it, but they need a national holiday. But let’s put our heads together to come up with a new air quotes 2000.
CALLING WOMEN B****ES OR HOES
If you don’t know what these mean then you are not reading this and are not on a computer. Perhaps the absolute most overused, well, anything on the internet, on the planet, in the universe. Fortunately for me it’ll be easy since I never use either of these. LOL
Ok I’m going to let all like three of my readers in on a secret. THERE’S NO SUCH THING AS A HOMOPHOBE. Let me break this down for you.
First off the phobia part means fear. Homo is short for homosexuals. This phrase is naming usually a guy as afraid of someone gay. LOL (crap).
Let me tell what us guys are like. If we meet you, can see you’re a dude, once we’re introduced we’ll reach out our hand to shake yours.
THIS is the moment of truth. THIS is what determines our view of you. I’m going to give you a nice firm handshake and expect the same in return. If you give me a limp hand I’m not going to like you. Period. I’m not afraid of you. I just don’t like you.
Now if you give me a firm handshake and talk to me like a dude, I won’t think anything else of you. For all I know you could have just been with your boyfriend last night. Again, that has nothing to do with me. I don’t care.
As the late great Bernie Mac forcefully said, “Quit crying, do some push ups or somethin'”.
THE ECONOMY IS BAD / WE’RE IN A RECESSION
No S**t Sherlock! Honestly! At this point do you think you’re telling someone something they don’t already know? I hear this crap all day at work.
Me: “How much money did your business gross last year?”
Them: “The Economy is Bad. Business is down (followed by them closing their fist, turning their thumb out, and pointing their thumb down, apparently as a visual in case I didn’t understand their words).
Me: “So how much did your business gross last year?”
Them: “Not a lot”.
Me: “How much is that?”
Them: “Less than the year before”
Me (to myself): SON OF A…..
Is complaining about it supposed to get you a free lunch or something? Well, we can’t give you a free lunch. Because, you know, the economy is bad. We’re in a recession for crying out loud.
People on the left coast are so desperate to figure out a way to predict Earthquakes that they look at things that have nothing to do with anything. If it had anything to do with the weather, it would be perfected by now. We’d know how to predict Earthquakes. But it’s just like in the old days when everyone thought they were smarter than doctors. Then they all died from things like a common cold.
But word is that if the temp is exactly 79 degrees, you’re chewing gum, wearing a blue shirt, driving a red car, listening to the radio, watching the news on channel 156, wearing multi-colored underwear, and eating an apple…..there’s a good chance that an Earthquake on the left coast MAY occur that day. So be careful. LOL (sigh)
This one has been around for a minute. I’m sure you already know what it stands for. If not, I don’t know where you’ve been. But not only is it also overused, but it but it’s technically redundant. Here’s the thing. No matter how much you pray for it, wait for it, live for it, breathe for it, or whatever, Friday comes along every seven days. Then it’s gone. That’s it. Then seven days later it will return. All the days are the same. Friday and Saturday are weekend nights. Saturday and Sunday are weekends. I believe in God, but no need to thank Him for something that comes along every seven days automatically anyway. I thank him for many other things, but he didn’t speed up Friday’s.
Tell me in the comments what other words or phrases you would like to see abolished.
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