A Letter To Laker Fans

Dear Laker Fans:

Let’s make a few things clear.

First off, the management and ownership of the Los Angeles Lakers will never pay you a dime for being a fan of our team. We thank you, but that’s it.

Furthermore we will never comp you tickets, parking, a beer or even a bag of peanuts based on your loyalty level to us. This is not a club membership to a casino. There are no fan rewards. We thank you, but that’s it.

It is our understanding that there is a lot of territory-marking going on in Los Angeles and the surrounding areas, on Facebook, Twitter and online in general.

Anyone who speaks opposition against our organization is labeled a….well, a lot of things. We would like to point out the stupidity of said situation. Why is it important for you to defend our organization in much the same way a cheating man needs to defend to his wife that the girl was just a friend?

Who cares if they don’t bow down to our team? Are you that insecure that it is your belief in a Pro Basketball Team that fuels your life? If so, that’s sad.

Really, all we’re interested in is your money.  And here is where we’ll begin addressing our biggest show pony, er, biggest star Kobe Bryant.

With this pic, maybe I should change my name to the Black Vaseline

A few years back he changed his number from #8 to #24. Our sole purpose was to get you to spend more money on getting his current replica jersey. You morons, er, devoted fans fell for it hook, line and sinker. We thank you, but that’s it.

So thank you. Thank you for your free cheerleading. However The Black Mumps will never meet you. Even if he did, he’d probably act as though he were too high and mighty to talk to you. Remember, that arrogance is what you cheer. That holier than thou attitude is what makes you think he’s the man. So don’t be surprised that he does this. You asked for it.

We kindly ask that you remove your nose from his butt crack. It’s getting expensive sending him and the rest of our players to various places for the league mandated “NBA Cares” campaign. We’re tired of trying to portray the Black Mumble as a caring individual. He has never shown any kind of concern for anyone other than himself so we suggest you save your blood pressure raising, due to your anger at the very sounds of a “Laker Hater”, for something actually important.

The truth is we’re not a perfect organization. We broke up a dynamic duo to cater to the ever increasing ego of The Black Maraca. Fortunately we found a Spanish Center who is afraid of him and his own shadow, a man named Sasha (nuff said), a son of an NBA Hall of Famer who plays at a Junior Varsity level; but his father has revealing pictures of the owner’s daughter and her secret marriage and children with the now former team coach, a former Laker pimped by a Kardashian, and a mentally challenged man who dyes his hair color, thanks his therapist when we win a title, and legally changes his name to an adjective of peace, despite being tied for 21st in the league in Technical Fouls. Yeah, World Peace our asses.

These are the players (and others not mentioned) that we choose to rebuild the team around the Black Mustard, because guys like Shaq and Brian Shaw were not afraid to get in his face and tell him that he was wrong. And, ya know, we can’t have any of that.

Add to that the fact that the league is much weaker than it was in the 80’s, 90’s, and at the beginning of last decade and we have two titles that we’re even surprised we got.

We have a coach now who is not afraid to bench his star player, and you saw how your superhero reacted. The Black Mucus decided he was going to pick a fight…..with a chair! Incidentally now that he’s ruined that particular piece of property he will have to pay for it. So he’s changing his jersey number again to 30 next year to cover the damages. Be sure to grab one. As a promotion we will include an autographed 8 x 10 of this picture with every purchase of the new jersey of The Black Maple.

Whoa!! Hey what he chooses to do in his spare time is his own business.

It is the right of any person, any basketball fan, any living entity to have an opinion about our organization that doesn’t match the opinion of you hypnotized lab rats. We don’t whine about it, you shouldn’t either. And we’re still not paying you for defending us. We thank you, but that’s it.

And the thought of you loving us because you live in the same city and requiring others to do the same is just plain old stupid. You know what makes that worse? We’re called the Lakers. We’re called the Lakers because the city we originated from is known as the Land of 10,000 Lakes. And sorry, geniuses, that city is not Los Angeles. Don’t confuse the “10,000 Lakes” with the LA River. So if anything, people in Minnesota look at you as the true phonies and they have as much of a right to rep our team as you do (or anyone else for that matter), especially since the team that replaced us in Minnesota sucks eggs.

So please understand it’s just a basketball game, not a gang, and you really need to get a life. So you’ve been loyal fans of ours since 1977. Thanks. We don’t know you. You’re professional Laker fans still waiting on your check in the mail. Guess what, it’s not coming. And honestly if you’ve been doing anything since ’77 it’s time to retire.

Oh and by the way, why are you the only fans in the game of basketball that riot when we win a championship? We do the work to win a title, and you decide to damage your City and the place where we call home. Nice going guys. AGAIN we’re not paying you for celebrating our title. We thank you, but that’s it.

And if you’re such big fans of ours, try showing up for a game before halftime would ya?

And finally we leave you with this advice. If any of you find yourselves writing, saying, posting, or thinking that your blood bleeds Purple and Gold, do us a favor and kill yourself. That way we can actually see what color your blood is. And if it’s not Purple and Gold….well, never mind we already know what that outcome will be. Maybe you should just see a doctor.A psychiatric doctor. We have a player who changed his name to reflect peace who can apparently recommend a good one for you.

Thank you,

Los Angeles Laker (Fantasy) Management/ownership,

P.S. If you’re a Laker fan and you can’t see the humor in this, then you are the people this letter is directed to. Laugh a little. It’s not that serious.


2 thoughts on “A Letter To Laker Fans

  1. Here’s some news…no one understands that sports is primarily a business better than those who cover it in blogs, the media, etc. We work with the facts of a situation and try to make it informative and interesting reading. We will never please every person every time…

    So, when reading this, I want you to understand…all the writers want is an audience. We thank you for reading, but that’s it. No writer nor blogger will buy you a beer, or comp you tickets, without an ulterior motive: More information! We want more people to read our stuff!

    And to those who read more of what we write, we say thank you, but…(wait for it)…but that’s all!

    Oh yeah, we too know whay humor is, and this little post of yours “ain’t makin’ it” as Dirty Harry used to say!

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