It’s been awhile. Actually it’s been six months since my last post. None in 2013. I told my boys Dre and Ed that I was focusing on things that made money, so blogging got moved to the bottom of the list. The problem with that is I have completely neglected my outlet, silencing my voice. Plus I missed you guys. And I really missed writing for fun.
So let’s have some fun.
These are my thoughts about movies. These are not reviews. I don’t do reviews. Reviews are boring and there are millions of them online, most of which are written by some tight wad who wonder why Die Hard isn’t the type of movie that can change someone’s life. Speaking of which, let’s start with…..
Let’s start with the stupid title. What, was Die Hard Battery Recharged already taken? Then let’s continue with the fact that Bruce Willis has got to be getting discounts at Denny’s. So shouldn’t John McClane be retired? I never saw this one but I have seen the first four. So technically, I probably already saw this one. Think about it.
The great thing about having a young child is that you can use them as an excuse to see a movie where you normally look like King Dorkwad for going to see on your own. Welcome to my throne. I wanted to see this movie when I saw the trailer, and it was one of the few movies I actually wanted to see in 3D because it looked so visually stimulating. I took my daughter and unfortunately it was only visually stimulating. When you’re going to remake a million year old classic, you had better have something real solid up your sleeve. This movie failed to deliver on that. And I don’t know why they keep giving James Franco leading roles in movies where he’s supposed to be the heart of the movie. The guy clearly has the personality of a pet rock on crutches. Remember when he hosted the Oscars? Yeah, me neither.
‘Nuff said. Boooooo!…..ok ok, I suppose I should try and say a little more…………………………………………………………………I’ve got nothing. Oh wait, there’s the whole “at least he’s employing people and making a difference”. You know how you can make a difference? Make a decent movie that doesn’t insult my intelligence. I haven’t seen this one. Nor have I seen the last few movies he’s made. It’s odd, but I actually think my IQ went up when I stopped watching his movies. Next up? Probably Granny Lives With Eskimos, that classic church stomping, heart wrenching film that takes place in Alaska….well, the southern part. Oh sorry, it would be called Tyler Perry’s Granny Lives with Eskimos. Oh yeah, and I guarantee you at least one of the penguins will be on drugs and another penguin is cheating on his Mrs Happy Feet. Oh there’s another one. His first animated venture. Tyler Perry’s Cheating on Mrs Happy Feet, Part Deux 13.
Those numbers are not that famous zip code. It’s how many F & F they have out. But I won’t lie, after Fast Five I was hooked. This one didn’t disappoint. It’s funny because this franchise, including 5 and 6 have many of the qualities that I usually hate in a movie. Watching Vin Diesel act is like watching a Diesel try to write it’s own V.I.N. (you’ll get that joke in the morning). Actually that might be more interesting. Paul Walker is at least not monotone, but he’s not much better acting wise. But can you honestly see anyone else in their roles for THIS franchise? Sometimes people have traits where they can turn something arbitrary in to something they own. Neither of them should do any movies except F & F, where they are comfortable. Where they are heroes. Where they are free to suck at acting as long as the cars are fast and the stunts are ludacris (pun intended).
Oh for crying out loud. Just what on Earth (ya like that, don’t ya) is Will talking about in the trailer? And what is it about this guy where he always wants to be a hero? Once, just once, I’d like to see him at least attempt to play a villain in something. Will Smith plays Will Smith in every role he’s in. My boy Dre said he could hear an accent in Will in the trailer. I only hear it when he says Earth (pronounced by him as Uuhth, LOL). Either way, somebody please shoot me. Hey, interesting fact. Did you know this film was co-written and directed by M Night Shyalamama-dingdong? That CANNOT help your case in 2013. 1999? Maybe. But definitely not 2013.
Who are they trying to fool? Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson. Seriously. Who are they trying to fool? Look, Dear Vince and Owen, just because your movie Wedding Crashers was a sleeper hit (for whatever reason), doesn’t mean you should insult us by making Wedding Crashers 2 and naming it something else. In the trailer, one of the parts that was supposed to be funny (I assume) consisted of the interns being asked about fraternizing with the boss to which of course Vaughn and Wilson (is it me or does that sound like it should be the name of a Vaudeville act?) answer in the affirmative about having a drink with their boss. After the trainer/boss (whoever) shoots it down, they don’t stop there ohhh no no no no no. Vaughn keeps it up. “Do you get high?”. Whoa, that’s spectacular right there. If I wanted to commit suicide I would watch this movie to give myself a slow death. Nothing like seeing, what, a 52 year old man as an intern making unfunny jokes about….wait for it….having a drink or weed with his boss. Classic Comedic Genius. (sigh)
Ok, that’s enough for me tonight. I’m sleepy (thanks to my new friend ZzzQuil) and it’s time for bed. I’ll write some more this week. I know I know, you don’t really give a s**t. But I’ll be back and write some more anyway.
Thanks for reading.