My Thoughts On 2013 Movies: 3D Edition

Hey peeps. It’s cranky old me again. The one who always has an opinion.

So the movie making world seems to be stuck on this 3D Bandwagon right now and it’s extremely annoying. Mainly because 3D is pretty pointless in most cases.

Sure, I recently purchased an LG 3DTV with the same type of 3D as in the movie theater. But I’m an idiot. You don’t really wanna be like me.

There are certain movies where 3D actually enhances the storytelling. But for most  movies 3D does nothing more than squeeze those extra few dollars out of your pocket to increase their total gross receipts.

And I think I’ve figured something out. All animated films are mandated to be in 3D. Has to be. You’d be hard pressed to find one released in today’s time that isn’t.

Well here are my thoughts on 3D movies that have arrived or are on their way. As I said before, I don’t do reviews. Just my thoughts.

Jurassic Park 3D

This one straight up pisses me off. There ought to be a law against these money grubbing jerks who insult us with this non-sense. They are starting a trend with taking a classic movie and re-releasing it in theaters in 3D for absolutely no reason whatsoever. It’s one thing to re-release an old film that anyone who wants it already has on dvd, but another to insist to do it in 3D for no reason at all (yeah, I’m talking to you too James Cameron). Releasing these old movies in 3D is getting ridiculous. I don’t think it’s slated to come out this year but I read that they are not only re-releasing Top Gun, but they are releasing it in 3D. MAKE THE MADNESS END! I’m starting a rumor that next year they’re going to release in 3D the following (clears his throat): Ernest goes to Camp, Ace Ventura, Beverly Hills Cop 3, and the entire first season of Alf. Hey, might as well. It’s about as useful as releasing Titanic, Jurassic Park and Top Gun in 3D.


Slasher 3D

I don’t know anything about this movie. Actually it’s still in development. But from the title you can tell what kind of film this will be and to be honest with you, the idea of a horror flick in 3D makes me feel like someone is squeezing me in the huevos rancheros. I mean come on! Who thought horror movies in 3D was a great idea? First of all, horror movies are usually stupid anyway. But who said we need to make some stupid movie where either a group of young morons go camping, hiking, to a lake, or on a boat and decide to walk right into the dark woods, cave, in back of the cabin or in the ocean despite the obvious lurking and make it in 3D? I mean, can’t they hear the damn music? I can. Why walk in to the abandoned house in the middle of the woods and then be surprised you die? And why is it that most horror film villains never have a gun? A chainsaw? An axe? Seriously? The only thing more stupid than that is watching it in 3D. Smh.


G.I. Joe: Retaliation

Now, this film actually had the…..wait, before I start going on about this one let me just say that clearly The Rock has turned in to the Samuel L Jackson of 2013. Isn’t he in just about every other movie this year? Anyway, this flick actually…….are you ready for this?…..postponed it’s release from August 2012 to May 2013 in order to…..wait for it again…..convert it to 3D. Whhhhhaat?! Why?! What did that have to do with enhancing the story? I actually saw this movie (in regular 2D of course) and there was nothing about it that screamed awesomeness in 3D. Oh wait, that’s right it was just to squeeze our pockets. I always give these Hollywood Crime Bosses the middle finger by always seeing a film in standard 2D unless I really wanna see it in 3D. That’ll show em. Wait, they’ve released Titanic, Jurassic Park, and plan to release Top Gun in 3D. Well…I guess I didn’t show em s%%t.


The Great Gatsby (Sorry Sis)

I don’t really care about the movie. That’s not my point. Why is it in 3D? Just because the cars are shiny and one seen had fireworks does not constitute 3D as a story enhancer. There is nothing about a biopic that screens a need for 3D, and that’s regardless of the subject’s lifestyle. Unless they were a cartoon in their former life, not interested. So Spike Lee, PLEASE refrain from re-releasing Malcolm X in 3D or I will talk about your little ass for a month straight. And speaking of biopics, I know exactly how studio executive conversations go. A little something like this:

Executive 1: Alright we’re going to do a story about so and so’s life.

Executive 2: Ok sir, you have anyone in mind.

(Executive 1 looks at Executive 2 as if to say dumb ass, you already know).

Executive 2: (continued) Oh my bad sir, I forgot.

Executive 1: Well when you’re done forgetting, get Leonardo’s agent on the phone.

Seriously, how many biopics has this guy done? In 2014 he’s rumored to be starring as Heavy D in the story of his life. In 2015 he will star as BOTH Kid and Play in an epic split screen role. In 2016 he will retire following his most challenging role of playing every last member of the Jackson family, including Janet, Latoya and Remy. And each film will be…..In 3D!


Despicable Me 2

Ok I’m looking forward to this one so I’ll leave it alone. Not necessarily the characters. I might not even see it in 3D. I’m actually looking forward to the minions. This is the perfect chance for me to advertise this film using my favorite spot that I’ve seen for this movie. Pooootatooooooooooo!!!! Why do I still crack up like it’s my first time?


47 Ronin

I have never heard of this movie but saw it was coming out this year. So I did some research and came across this synopsis: From ancient Japan’s most enduring tale, the epic 3D fantasy-adventure 47 Ronin is born. Keanu Reeves leads the cast as Kai

Wait, stop! What? You expect me to watch Keanu Reeves in 3D? Word on the street is that the 3D actually magnifies his inability to act, therefore causing nausea, heavy vomitting, and uncontrollable bleeding from your rectum. In order to make us watch him up close, the studio needs to pay us!

Oh and to the Wachowski Brothers: If you re-release The Matrix in 3D, kindly see my comment above regarding Spike Lee. Gracias


Top Cat: The Movie

I wanna say this is a movie that my mom’s generation grew up on. If I’m not mistaken I vaguely remember her and her brothers and sister talking about it once. Or maybe that was an interview I saw with Martin Luther King Jr. Anyway, what place does it have in today’s world? And most of all, why do we have to watch it in 3D? Well, you know me. One disrepectful comment about something/someone can birth a new idea in me faster than you can say 3D. So next summer, join me for the future classic cartoon, Tyler Perry’s Family Hunger Games: Flintstones, Jetsons, and Pink Panther Edition 3D.


The Wizard of Oz

I’m cheating on this one a bit. This one isn’t being released in the theater but hey I never said it had to be. On June 11 of this year, they are releasing this movie on 3D Blu Ray. If, and only if, they can really get it looking right in 3D, I actually plan to get it. But they have to really present an amazing enhancement by the time the film switches to color, once Dorothy arrives in Munchkinland.  I actually wanted to see Oz: The Great and Powerful because it looked nice in 3D from what I could tell. Honestly, I’ll bet MGM saw just how weak that movie was and decided to upgrade the original in it’s place. Click on the Wizard of Oz blue link above to reserve your copy on Amazon. Don’t worry, it includes the standard Blu Ray version if you don’t have a 3D TV like (clears his throat again, this time pulling up his pants) mine!


Ok good people. I’m sleepy. I’m going to bed and dream about the re-release of Spaceballs in 3D.

Thanks for reading and playing along with me.


2 thoughts on “My Thoughts On 2013 Movies: 3D Edition

  1. I refuse to see a movie in 3d – it does not enhance good writing or save bad writing – its just bells and whistles

    • Very true for the most part. I thought the exception to that was Avatar. Not necessarily enhance good writing or save bad, but visually took you to another world. Did it HAVE to be in 3D? No. But it was still a good 3D movie. But those are very few and far in between.

      > Date: Mon, 3 Jun 2013 06:20:48 +0000 > To: >

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